Moving on

Ah yes my microscopic place on the internet still lives despite not having a visit since last June.  The way this pretty much goes is like this - the thoughts in my head spin and spin to my own narrative until eventually I blog about it.  Really the past year has been spent living life, as it should be, and while I have had many thoughts, most of them not incessant.  I've been doing what I set out to do, which is begin this journey raising three kids.  It has been a great fourteen months since Audrey joined our family, and what a sweet addition she has been.  Such a joyful joyful baby who will give you the biggest grin you've ever seen on a baby.  I love that while she is very much a little girl with her sweetness and even how she eats with such daintiness, she is also such a goofy little ham who loves to play with her rough and tumble brothers.  Life is so full, so beautiful, so crazy.  I had three kids in 3.5 years so of course its crazy.  I have two boys and a little girl.  I could not, should not, ever want for anyting more.  They (who the heck are "they" anyway) say you will know when you are done having babies.  It will be clear.  I've decided I don't agree.

I have to let go.  It is time to move on.  I don't want to want more babies.  I want to enjoy the three immensely adorable children I have.  I wan't life to get easier.  Busier is inevitable I know, but still, easier.  No nursing, spoon feeding, nap schedules.  I'm ready for that.  Ready to play, learn, explore.  Yet there it is, that pull, that ache, we all know it.  I knew time would go by fast.  But this fast?  Too fast.  I know so many parents are secretly stashing the champagne for the day the last kiddo starts elememtary school.  Cheers to pseudo freedom.  I get it, I really do.  I mean some days I can barely finish a cup of coffee.  Yet I am not in a rush for those school days.  Dylan starts Kindergarden in one short year and I already feel like his time went too fast.  I worked his first two years of life and sometimes I look at him and wonder how he got to be who he is.  He is ridiculously cute, talented, and never stops talking.  His siblings adore him.  He is my big boy and not even five yet.  They are little for such a short time, when they are truly just children.  It went too fast.  Leo, from birth, was never that child who was content to idle in infancy, babyhood, or even toddlerhood for that matter.  He may be 23 months younger than Dylan, but he is merely steps behind in his endeavors.  He has been trying to catch up since day 1, and while I would not change one thing about him, his early years truly came and went in a blink of an eye.  It went too fast.  Audrey.  My sweet beautiful daughter.  God gave me the baby He knew I needed.  She cuddled and nursed and made everyday of that precious first year a day to savor.  I would ache for the stage we were in, that always passed too quickly, for only a moment, before the next one felt even better than the last.  But of course...it went too fast.

So what is my point?  Well folks I don't have one.  I just know that I expected some part of me that was there between baby two and baby three to be gone once I had baby three - and that didn't happen.  Now I don't think that means I'm supposed to have a fourth baby.  Because ya know..four kids, is um well FOUR kids.  Logistically three kids is a great number for our family.  The Frese Five!!!  Time, money, space, patience, balance.  I know what makes sense and I know that I am happy.  My kids are so wonderful and joyous.  Healthy thriving individuals who just happen to be the cutest kids ever, obviously.  So my point is this.  Sometimes just because we have a plan, and it all actually does work out, does not mean we know how we feel or how we process life and all that it brings.  I know that just because my heart sometimes aches for a newborn baby and I feel I can do it all again, it does not mean I should.  I think it means that being done with the baby stage means far more than it seems.  It means saying goodbye to your childbearing years, it means watching your children grow up faster than you could have ever imagined.  It is very much a grieving process for so many I'm now realizing.  I know it does not always mean you should have another baby, though for some it might! I think its just a very very big stage in life to say goodbye to.  For five years, infertility, pregnancy, child birth, nursing has been all that I know.  I should not have been so surpirsed that being done with it wasn't just flipping a switch.  This is my own personal journey in moving forward in life as a 31 year old woman.  I'm excited to see what the future holds and the experiences I will have this next year.  I'm not pregnant or with a newborn and this is uncharted territory!  Can I say 100% Jake and I will not have another baby? No of course not, those decisions have not been made.  But I can say probably not.  Will I embrace each new day rising my three kiddos?  You bet!  So cheers to those who have 1, to those who have 5.  It's no easier or harder for one or the other.  But know this...if I seem both elated to finally have life being a bit easier, while simultaneously aching for a newborn, I'm not crazy.  I'm just figuring out life one day at a time.  But i'm really really happy to finally be sleeping through the night.  Thanks Audrey, only took us 13 months.  But I'd totally do it all over again!  ;)