One last Birth Story

I always like to write my children's birth stories so I can read back one day and remember the details of how they came into this world.  I'm fairly sure nothing changes your life quite like the moment your child is born and you become this tiny persons mother.  For me, they have been the most emotional  moments of my life, right alongside marrying my husband.  I always get emotional writing about the birth day, but maybe this is the most emotional one-because it is the last one.  I knew this entire pregnancy it would be my last, and I knew I would long to freeze the moment of Audrey's birth to some extent.  But alas, that is not possible.  Most mothers I speak to understand my emotions regarding this last birth.  There is a huge difference between wanting to experience pregnancy and childbirth AGAIN, versus being nostalgic for those moments with your existing children.  Mine is definitely the latter.  I have been asked several times, surprisingly, following Audrey's birth if there will be just one more baby, maybe try for a sister for Audrey, etc.  No folks, just no.  Despite the physical plights of pregnancy, this last one was such a sweet journey of love and celebration, and yes despite my biggest efforts to turn my nose up at such statements, "I got my girl".  I didn't know "my girl" existed until I met her, and until that moment she just as joyfully could have been a boy.  However, the moment I saw and held my daughter, I knew all along I had meant to have her, and any fears I'd had about not bonding with a girl like I had my boys, or her being just "daddy's girl" vanished.  I fell in love hard on May 29, 2013.

Let me back up a little and explain what life looked like before little Audrey made her appearance.  A week before she was born at my checkup I was 2cm dilated and doctor told me it was unlikely I'd go to due date since I hadn't with either of the boys.  They were both born around 39 weeks.  At this point I was just over 38 weeks, and had not reached "miserable" status yet.  Close but not yet!  Well the weekend rolled around and we spent a lot of time outside with the boys since it was so warm.  By late afternoon on Sat I started to feel crampy and nauseous.  It was time to sit down to dinner and I felt so sick I just went to the couch and started having uncomfortable contractions.  They were on average about 10 min apart and lasted for a good four hours.  I was in pain and uncomfortable so Jake and I felt I needed to be checked so we called our neighbors to come over around 930pm to be with the boys.  I was disappointed because I felt very unsure if I was in labor or not but felt after so long I had to go in.  So Jake and I grabbed our bag and made our way to the hospital.  I got into a labor/delivery room and was still 2cm.  They told me I was severely dehydrated and to drink a ton of water and walk around the halls to see if I would progress.  After about 2 hours, I was checked and was 3 cm.  It would appear I was in labor (had been contracting now since about 5pm and it was now 1130pm).  I had contractions at this point about 4 minutes apart and was exhausted.  Around 130am they checked me again and I had no change.  One nurse said I was not in active labor, another thought I was just progressing very slowly.  They said I should stay and be monitored to see what might happen because they were nervous that if I did get to 4cm and this being my third baby, that things would then happen fast.  They wanted me to get some rest because by this time it was 3am and I was exhausted and emotional and nobody seemed to know if I should go home or stay in the hospital.  I was in too much pain to sleep so they gave me some morphine to take the edge off my contractions.  Around 5am I finally fell asleep and Jake got a few minutes here and there on the couch in the room.


This is me arriving at the hospital on Sat, May 25.  It wasn't the last moment I was pregnant but I thought it could be.  It was the last pregnant photo I'll ever take.


Well the morphine did help me sleep but only for about 3 hours.  I woke around 830am and knew without a doubt my labor had stalled and i would not be having a baby immediately.  The doctor was still nervous to send me home, but I knew without a doubt I wanted to go home and come back and have a good birth day, not a frustratingly long 9 hours of contractions with little result.  I would be leaving the hospital without a baby this time.  I rested a bit more, ordered breakfast, that I promptly threw up due to the morphine, and then was more than ready to go.  At this point my mom had already made arrangements to fly out that night (Sunday) because she was sure I would have a baby sooner than later.  The nurses said they thought I'd be back by evening and no more than two days from then.  Well Sunday night came around, we picked up mom from the airport and officially began "baby watch".  It was awful and was like waiting for a pot of water to boil!

I continued contracting at least a few times an hour all of Sunday and Monday.  On Monday and Tuesday I had many pre-labor symptoms and was so miserable and grouchy.  Fortunately my mom was here and helping, but I also felt like I was never going to have the baby and was nervous she wouldn't even come before my moms full week here in Denver was up.  On Tuesday I had an OB checkup and was still 3cm and my doctor was pretty surprised I was still pregnant. I was 39 weeks, 4 days.  He said it would likely be any time but there is just never any telling with these things!  I came home more grumpy, had the "I'm so done" cry and actually felt better.  Mom and I planned to go to the mall the next day (Wed) for a good walk, get the kids out and have lunch.  I slept horribly Tuesday night, which was not unusual.

I woke up around 730am on Wednesday morning when Leo woke up and we came downstairs and watched some "Super Why" with mom. (Hip Hip hooray, the super readers saved the day).  Over the past few days I'd had continuous contractions and little sleep so was exhausted.  I was holding Leo no my lap at 7:55am when I had a VERY painful contraction.  By now, mom, Jake and I had a rule that nobody could predict when Audrey would come, nor say "I think this is it."  When by 8:15am I'd had VERY painful contractions every 5 minutes, my mom just raised her eyebrows at me but I knew she wanted to say something.  I got Dylan and Leo some breakfast and went to sit at the table with them, but by now was clutching it in pain barely able to get on my chair.  My mom suggested I go upstairs and get changed and call my doctor.  I didn't argue.  I called Jake and told him I'd been having painful contractions for an hour, and I was sorry if I was wrong, but thought he should come home from work.  He has about a 45 minute commute.  I then called my doctor and by the time I spoke to them I was literally on the floor writhing in pain and had little doubt "it was time."  When I found out the doctor doing deliveries from my OB office was Dr. Levy, I truly cried and thanked God.  I knew then it had all been perfect timing, because he had delivered my boys, and what were the odds he would deliver all my children.  I was thrilled and so relieved. In between contractions, I did what all sane people do at this time-my hair and makeup. By 10am Jake was home, I was now nearly crying on the floor downstairs (but looking much better doing so) and we left for the hospital.  I thank God my mom ended up coming early because the boys were home with grandma and content.  No scary goodbyes or drama on any one's part.

The drive to the hospital was miserable but exciting.  I prayed I would be further dilated upon arriving at the hospital, and was a very hostile passenger on the way, with contractions nearly on top of each other.  Jake dropped me off at the front of the hospital around 1030am and I entered the hospital movie style hunched over declaring "I'M IN LABOR."  Jake parked quickly, the got us up to labor and delivery where I was quickly checked and at 7 cm.  The epidural was on its way, the anesthesiologist got it in quickly, and within an hour I was 10cm.

Shockingly my water didn't break which was good because the doctor was in an emergency c-section.  When he did come in he broke my water and it was time to push.  Because I was dehydrated from not drinking or eating since the night before and a lower body weight this pregnancy, I had a very low dose of the epidural and pushing was painful but fleeting.  From start to finish I had a four hour labor, and at 1218pm on May 29, 2013 Audrey Rose was born.  I asked if she was healthy, YES, and if she was in fact a girl, YES.  She was the first baby I did immediate skin to skin with and I nursed her immediately.  She was alert and thriving and I was in Heaven on Earth.

No matter what all the tests and ultrasounds say, you never can really take that full breath until you hold your baby, count their fingers and toes, kiss their tiny nose.  Like her brothers, Audrey was born with dark hair and lots of it!  She was beautiful and I loved her instantly.  I immediately thanked the Lord for bringing me three healthy pregnancies resulting in three healthy children.  I thanked him for my husband, always my biggest supporter and cheerleader everyday, and only more so in labor and delivery.  This birth was such a happy experience, laughing, crying, and excited between contractions until the last push, with a doctor who had been there with us at every miracle of life we had experienced!  As I held Audrey, I was in awe that I now had three children, and thought back to that moment in 2008 when I thought maybe children were not in the cards for me, when infertility seemed to define me for a period of time.  I'm so grateful our journey turned out much differently.  In 3.5 years I had 3 kids.  My little miracles.  Audrey and I were perfectly healthy after delivery and were moved to a recovery room soon after.  Upon leaving the labor and delivery room at Rose Hospital, Jake took a picture of me signing "peace out" because we knew we would not be back.  We also took a final picture in recovery before we left to go home.

So that is the birth story of Audrey Rose-the long version.  I know it seems long and detailed and that is because this is really for my own memory.  Again, I thank God everyday for the safe delivery of each of my children into my arms, and I shall do my best to remember the blessing that having three healthy beautiful children really is, despite the lack of sleep, tantrums, attitude, lack of patience.  Today I had a thought-yes, having  three young kids will no doubt be trying at times, but I feel confident that not all will be difficult all day on any given day, and so my odds of at least one of them, or all of them, bringing me even one moment of joy everyday is very very high.  It's so worth it.  Now I must bid adieu to birth stories, and go raise some kiddos!!!

Bittersweet

Bittersweet.  This word has come up from me, and from friends a lot the last week or so.  I'm truly at the end of my final pregnancy, regardless if it ends in one hour, one day or one week (hopefully not more than that ;).  It is my last pregnancy and yes I am sure.  Despite never enjoying the physical aspect of pregnancy, the excitement and anticipation of what it all comes to is not lost on me.  For nearly ten months you grow a miracle and share in that time with loved ones and at the end every phone call and text is "is it time?''.  I'll admit with my first and second baby it got irritating to be asked because I was frustrated and so uncomfortable and I didn't realize how in one moment pregnancy is over and that special time has passed onto a new one.  This time I'm so appreciative of the anticipation and all the shared excitement.  I know that this particular time in my life is almost over, growing babies, being the pregnant girl.  Bittersweet.  I threw up every month of my pregnancy, I can't get comfortable at night, heartburn, hip pain.  Yeah all that stuff.  I'm tired and at times impatient.   I'm content.  I was truly miserable and anxious at the end of my second pregnancy, and before I toot my own horn, I don't know that won't happen this time, but I feel good.  I feel awful but good!!  I feel happy to be 39 weeks pregnant because that means I never had a preterm baby.  I know I won't ever miss physically being pregnant.  I know I'll feel nostalgia for the days of positive pregnancy tests and pregnancy announcements-for this moment right now with the perfectly decorated nursery that hasn't come alive yet because it is waiting for baby.  I'm excited for the rush of hearing "it's time to push" and my favorite moment-when they turn on the heat bed anticipating baby's imminent arrival.  There will be a million amazing moments in my life when it comes to my children.  They start with that lamp being turned on.  I get to do it one more time and I'm so glad that I'm not so "over" pregnancy that I can appreciate how truly blessed I've been to do this three times.  I know in my heart that this feels like the perfect number for us and I'm ok moving on.  I know that even though I've been so sick this pregnancy, I still feel like it was the perfect pregnancy.  I'm so blessed.  I pray for an easy labor and delivery with a healthy baby at the end.  I know the minute she is out I will revel in the miracle once more.  I also know I will be aware that the moment will soon pass and I won't return to that part of my life again.  Bittersweet.  We the Frese family will officially move forward in our stages following Audrey's birth, and I know we are ready to do so.  That is also so exciting to think about-having our whole family here together.  All five of us.  So maybe I'll go to bed tonight and I'll wake up pregnant one more day, maybe not, only He knows.  It is so exciting.  It also helps me to be in the moment everyday with my boys.  Never taking a cuddle or laugh or kiss for granted, knowing that the next day I may be away at the hospital and how their lives will change.  For good yes, but an adjustment also.  My sweet boys, all I've ever known as a momma.  Again, another blog of mine that rambles but I'm emotional in a good way and that's when I like to get it out.  Saying goodbye to our family of four and our days of expecting babies is coming soon.  Knowing Audrey Rose will be here soon and our family will be complete is not bittersweet.  Just plain sweet!

Not to be taken for granted

Friends.  They come in all forms from different places.  We all need them, when we have them and when we don't.  I am someone who is fiercely grateful for the women in my life.  I have a best friend for the past 16 years, and through travel and work we have remained close.  Nobody will ever take her place.  Thing is she lives in Arizona.  As powerful as a friendship may be, we need community.  Local.  Friends whos faces we see, who's children play, whos day to day struggles we commiserate.  It's healthy for humans.  Problem is, it took me years to have that here in Colorado.  Yes, years.  I had a job that did not lend itself to making friends, I was here, there, and everywhere in sales.  It was lonely.

When I was pregnant with my first son, I was excited and my mom wanted to throw me a baby shower.  Mom always comes through for me.  I told her I didn't have many friends here but she was determined her only daughter would have a shower.  I had friends from afar who were excited and said they would be at the shower, but circumstances being what they are many couldn't come and I totally understood that.  I was also sad, because of course I wanted to celebrate that time with my friends and have the experience.  Stacey came of course.  Pregnant herself.  It meant everything to me.  A few other wonderful women came and we had a lovely afternoon.  But this is my blog and I'll be honest.  I sobbed hormonally in my husbands lap that I had no friends and had me a pity party.  It just wasn't where I had hoped to be by that point with our lives in Colorado.  We had very few people to share in the joy of our upcoming baby.

Not much had changed when I was expecting our second son two years later as work was only busier and I had made no other attempts to build my circle.  Yep I had started to take some accountability at this point.  I yelled "NO" emphatically when mom said every baby should be celebrated and was bummed at no "sprinkle" for baby boy #2.

Well after that baby was born I quit my job and really had no socialization so I said, "sink or swim" Kim.  Put yourself out there and make some freaking friends. Or at least just show up and talk to people.  So I did.  I joined two local groups with my 2 year old and newborn.  Brighton MOMs group and MOPs.  Maybe to some people these groups don't mean what they do to me, but I hope they do.  I have met not just other moms, but fun, wonderful women who have saved my soul and brought real friendships into my life in the big picture and the day to day.  I'm not just a mom with them, I'm Kim too, and that feels so great.  I'm a better mom because I have friends to share motherhood with, and friends for my kids.  I was scared to be the new girl, but today I had a moment at my MOPs group where I looked at all the familiar faces and couldn't believe that only a year and a half ago I was scared and uncomfortable.  These women make me laugh, cry, and for the first time I have been able to experience sharing the joy of a pregnancy with so many.  Its been such a unique gift to me.  Maybe some women have had that from the first baby, but not me.  I'm so grateful!!

So when we found out baby #3 was a girl, mom was like, "baby shower".  I was still hesitant.  Does anybody have them for a 3rd baby?  I don't want to seem greedy, I don't need much.  Many people asked if I was having one, and so I finally said ok to my mom.  A ridiculously generous friend offered to throw me one too, so together Stephanie and my mom are doing just that.  I've allowed myself to be excited about it, because I really really am.  I truly don't care about the gifts, I'm just so happy to have these women in my life to share in the upcoming arrival of our last baby.  That is the gift for me.  Oh, and Stacey is traveling again for this shower.  Sista always pulls through too!  I'm so excited!!

I also have to mention that I have a couple amazing neighbors who are also a lifeline for me.  Friends from so many different circles now fill my life and my heart.  Thank you so much to all the people in my life.  You probably don't know the impact you've had on my life, but I do!

That my friends....is another rambling, emotional, hormonal post for now!  Blessings, Kim :)

Ramblings

I call this post ramblings because I think anyone who updates their blog as infrequently as I do really doesn't have a cohesive structure or style to what they write.  I just write when it dawns on me to do so.  I probably write many a chapter in my head daily but little makes it on here anymore.  I started this blog when I was pregnant with Leo and enjoy reading the old posts I have, mostly the birth stories of my boys.  If nothing else ever gets written I will write Audrey's birth story!  I am eagerly anticipating that day for many reasons.  1) I am miserable.  I am lucky to be healthy in the big picture, and baby too, but I have felt pretty awful this pregnancy from morning sickness (still some days) to migraines, hip pain, and a broken foot and massive cold recently.  Moan and groan yes, but I will be glad when its done.  2) I love giving birth.  No not the pain and needles etc., but the experience and excitement.  Such a fleeting time really but life changing instantaneously and oh so miraculous.  I have said this before, but when I was pregnant with Leo, I didn't know if he would be my last, I knew it was very possible, but not certain.  I didn't think about that going into his birth or how I would feel after about that.  Maybe I knew deep down I would experience pregnancy, childbirth, and a newborn again.  I know God knew because here I am.  What I do know is that this is the last time, without doubt.  The decision has been made verbally between Jake and I and we both feel strongly about it.  It's great to be on the same page, and to have always been so in our family planning.  It's hard to believe for a moment in 2008 I thought I may never be able to have kids, and here I sit with our third in my belly.  God is good and faithful, and I trust He has the faith in me that I can handle this and be the mother all of my children will need me to be.  Because I'm scared sometimes.  I hope I made all the right decisions, that I can give enough to each child, emotionally, developmentally, academically, socially.  That having siblings is the gift I hope it to be.  See rambling, I'm doing it.  I'll back track again.  Last baby, yes definately!  I think knowing your limits is important and this is where this chapter of my life will close and the rest of our lives raising our children will commence.  I know I will not yearn for baby kicks though I may yearn for newborn snuggles, I can't ask for more.  Sometimes I can hardly believe there is one more go for us.  I think knowing it is the last, for us anyway, makes it easy to embrace the challenges that come with a newborn, because all the good parts are so fleeting and we know that this time.  But we are ready, ready to have our family here and move forward.  Ready to have a daughter and see what that is like. Ready to do the best I can to be patient and sane, and transition as best as possible.  I'll be honest going from 1-2 kids was hard.  It wasn't so much the new baby as it was the large changes in our lives otherwise.  I quit my job, my idea of who I was and who I wanted to be took some time to catch up.  I was lonely.  We had less money.  LOTS of adjustments.  But it got easier, we found our groove, we found our friends, we are figuring it out.  I've learned a lot since Leo was born about what I can handle well, and what I can just handle.  Sure I'm capable of an extracurricular activity everyday, but turns out that wasn't good for anyone.  No, this summer I'll sit in shade while two boys splash each other to heck with water tables and blowup pools in the backyard.  We will picnic under big trees with soft pink blankets.  We will watch Dylan play Tball.  We will play in the park nightly with neighbors who will give my tired arms a rest and love on our new baby.  I'm not saying anything will be easy, but it will be good. These ramblings sound pretty good to me....