Ramblings

I call this post ramblings because I think anyone who updates their blog as infrequently as I do really doesn't have a cohesive structure or style to what they write.  I just write when it dawns on me to do so.  I probably write many a chapter in my head daily but little makes it on here anymore.  I started this blog when I was pregnant with Leo and enjoy reading the old posts I have, mostly the birth stories of my boys.  If nothing else ever gets written I will write Audrey's birth story!  I am eagerly anticipating that day for many reasons.  1) I am miserable.  I am lucky to be healthy in the big picture, and baby too, but I have felt pretty awful this pregnancy from morning sickness (still some days) to migraines, hip pain, and a broken foot and massive cold recently.  Moan and groan yes, but I will be glad when its done.  2) I love giving birth.  No not the pain and needles etc., but the experience and excitement.  Such a fleeting time really but life changing instantaneously and oh so miraculous.  I have said this before, but when I was pregnant with Leo, I didn't know if he would be my last, I knew it was very possible, but not certain.  I didn't think about that going into his birth or how I would feel after about that.  Maybe I knew deep down I would experience pregnancy, childbirth, and a newborn again.  I know God knew because here I am.  What I do know is that this is the last time, without doubt.  The decision has been made verbally between Jake and I and we both feel strongly about it.  It's great to be on the same page, and to have always been so in our family planning.  It's hard to believe for a moment in 2008 I thought I may never be able to have kids, and here I sit with our third in my belly.  God is good and faithful, and I trust He has the faith in me that I can handle this and be the mother all of my children will need me to be.  Because I'm scared sometimes.  I hope I made all the right decisions, that I can give enough to each child, emotionally, developmentally, academically, socially.  That having siblings is the gift I hope it to be.  See rambling, I'm doing it.  I'll back track again.  Last baby, yes definately!  I think knowing your limits is important and this is where this chapter of my life will close and the rest of our lives raising our children will commence.  I know I will not yearn for baby kicks though I may yearn for newborn snuggles, I can't ask for more.  Sometimes I can hardly believe there is one more go for us.  I think knowing it is the last, for us anyway, makes it easy to embrace the challenges that come with a newborn, because all the good parts are so fleeting and we know that this time.  But we are ready, ready to have our family here and move forward.  Ready to have a daughter and see what that is like. Ready to do the best I can to be patient and sane, and transition as best as possible.  I'll be honest going from 1-2 kids was hard.  It wasn't so much the new baby as it was the large changes in our lives otherwise.  I quit my job, my idea of who I was and who I wanted to be took some time to catch up.  I was lonely.  We had less money.  LOTS of adjustments.  But it got easier, we found our groove, we found our friends, we are figuring it out.  I've learned a lot since Leo was born about what I can handle well, and what I can just handle.  Sure I'm capable of an extracurricular activity everyday, but turns out that wasn't good for anyone.  No, this summer I'll sit in shade while two boys splash each other to heck with water tables and blowup pools in the backyard.  We will picnic under big trees with soft pink blankets.  We will watch Dylan play Tball.  We will play in the park nightly with neighbors who will give my tired arms a rest and love on our new baby.  I'm not saying anything will be easy, but it will be good. These ramblings sound pretty good to me....