Does it all look the way you thought it would?

I ALWAYS knew I wanted children.  I'll be the first to say I don't always gush over random strangers children, and I didn't love to babysit as a teenager.  As an adult I do adore my friends children and of course my own child.  I always knew I wanted a family and to be a mom.  I was raised as an only child with a single parent-my mom.  She worked hard to provide me with a generous lifestyle and I grew up knowing I would go to college, get a job, and be a career woman.  This is what I did.  I graduated on a Friday, went to my first "real" job the next Monday.  I've worked hard the last six years since I have graduated college to get better jobs, get promotions, and make a good living.  I have always wanted to work and contribute.  I never imagined I'd feel any other way.  When I became pregnant in 2009 I knew I'd return to my job and be a working mom.  I wanted to work and we never planned otherwise.  I didn't think it would be easy or that I would not be emotional leaving my son....I just assumed being a working mom was what best suited me, and my family.  So back to work I went when Dylan was about three months old.

The night before my first day as a working mom, I sobbed in bed and told Jake I had no idea how I would leave Dylan the next morning and how I was so sure I'd made a mistake.  I spoke to so many women who had been where I was and everyone said the same thing.  "Yes, it is very hard, but it gets better".  I assumed this to be true and of course got up and went to work the next day.  I was very lucky at the time to be returning to a job with some scheduling flexibility and supportive coworkers and an amazingly supportive boss.  It did make actually working still enjoyable.  However, as Dylan got older and more interactive, it got harder for me to leave.  I felt like I was missing a lot and was sad a lot.  Time went by and we stuck to the plan of a two person income with what was seemingly a willing working mom.  That was the PLAN, I never asked to be a stay at home mom, I never planned to want to be.  Why wasn't it getting easier though?  Why was I having such a hard time emotionally when other WONDERFUL working mom friends of mine seemed to find that "balance" I so expected myself to have.  Why wasn't I the person I thought I'd be?

Sometimes I hurt so badly I'd cry and tell Jake I was miserable and even though it wasn't an option, he would tell me just to quit, that it wasn't worth me feeling this way.  He was constantly having to reassure me I was a good mom, that Dylan was bonded to me.  He would always tell me how I could not see how much I gave to Dylan and how he knew I was his one and only mom.  But you see, this was the problem.  I emotionally could not get over this emotional hump.  Jake and I would both agree, we didn't think I'd ever be that mom who wanted to be a stay at home mom.  But I did.

I think we spend a lot of time, perhaps in our younger years trying to define who we are and who we will be.  We try to meet the expectations of others and of ourselves and figure that is who we have to be.  I thought I had to be a driven career woman and a working mom.  I found pride in both those things.  My mom worked hard and raised me to be independent.  She was a working mom and I turned out fine.  Would she be disappointed in me if I didn't work?  Would Jake think I wasn't the same feisty, smart woman he married if I didn't work?  Turns out the moms who work don't love their children any less and the ones who stay home aren't any less driven or interesting.  They might be the same woman!  My mom was a single parent-she never had a choice to work or not and so having that emotional battle with herself was not something she was at liberty to do.  When I first started questioning working as a mom it wasn't a liberty I had either-Jake and I had never financially planned to be without my income.  I guess my point of this whole post is this-sometimes in life you have a grand plan, and if you are lucky it works out.  But don't expect it to look or feel the way you thought it would.  It might....but you could end up in a totally different place than you thought you would and the plan has to be revised.  Again, if you are lucky, you can revise it.

I am fortunate to be married to a man who sees me as....Kim!  Not defined by WHAT I DO, but WHO I AM.  I am also lucky the man I married was willing to change the plan.  Right now I am officially on maternity leave for the second time.  I do not know exactly what the future looks like with two children.  What I know(and have) now that I didn't two years ago....is choices.  Whether working out of the home is full time, part time, or not at all, I have realized that it DOESN'T look the way I thought it would and that it is ok.  I am blessed to have a husband who was willing to rewrite the rules with me if that is what I need.  No matter what decisions we make in life, the big ones always have a sacrifice somewhere.  You just have to make the one you are most comfortable with-and then it won't feel like a sacrifice.  Might not look the way you thought it would, but it will start to look the way it should!

- Kim (38 weeks pregnant...maybe my next post will be a birth story?)

I was right!

A few weeks ago I posted that August was going to fly....and it has!  I have 5 days of work left until I am on leave.  I'm so happy about that.  We have had a heat wave in Colorado, and that combined with lifting my bag in and out of my car and standing has not had the most desirable effects.  BUT baby and I remain healthy and full term!  Yea!!  It is such a blessing to get to this point in pregnancy and it really did come so fast.  Last Saturday I felt awful and had some contractions and that was enough to push us through the rest of the baby prep.  Bags are packed and we feel ready whenever he is.

I am trying to summon as much energy as possible for Dylan being that he has TONS.  He goes to in-home daycare where apparently he is the funny man of the group.  He is this way at home so it doesn't surprise me.  What does surprise me is where this HUGE personality of his came from.  Jake and I are fun people and love to laugh but Dylan is in a league of his own.  He's such a ham and I love it.  I pray he never loses that.  I was so shy for a lot of my childhood and I love that he has so much personality to offer.  He is still hesitant with new people and situations but has come so far with moving through that quickly and being comfortable.  Tonight he ran across the house dozens of times into our arms, danced in circles, and proceeded to act like a monkey and get on my back while I crawled around with him.   Yes, my almost 2 year old was on my back while I'm hugely pregnant.  It was like I was wearing a kangaroo and a monkey!  Jake looked at me like I was insane.  I told him I am no longer in danger of going into preterm labor so I'm going to enjoy my son.  I am so uncomfortable just sitting that playing physically with Dylan is actually a distraction.  I love that kid so much.

I am looking forward to being home for a while and trying to compile a mental activity list of things I can do that are both educational and fun for Dylan and somewhat easy to tote a newborn along.  I know my initial "to do" is survive but once I'm past that stage I'll need activities.  I'm not one to be idle.  I will be enrolling Dylan in tumbling/gymnastics in the fall, I plan to do library days, museum days, art, reading, etc at home.  I am sure we will all stay very busy.  I'm really excited to be home with my boys.  I pray that Leo is like Dylan as a baby.  We were so lucky he was pretty easy.  Of course we didn't get a lot of sleep but he was never much of a fussy baby and we took him everywhere.

I am going to do my very best to keep up with this blog and share the adventures I'm sure to have!  I'm sure I will have a few more pre-birth posts but we shall see.  We are on labor watch, which is kinda like waiting for a pot of water to boil.....

35 weeks down, 35 DAYS to go!

Yeah probably not!  I went a week early with Dylan so with no medical basis I am kind of assuming I'll go early this time too.  As long as he's healthy and ready a week early is fine!  So...35 days or less.  We are pretty ready.  The nursery is done.  It is adorable.  It is Lion King theme but very tasteful with browns and sage.  I love it.  Just like with Dylan's room, Jake hand drew and painted a mural on the wall.  Pretty darn special that our kids can say their dad did that.  Littlest boy's clothes and linens are all washed and put away.  I have little things to do like sterilize bottles, bring the swing out from the basement, etc.  The major things I have left to do are pack for the hospital and put the car seat in the car.  I'm hoping I still have plenty of time for all that though.  I have 14 work days left and am SO ready to be on leave.  Being on my feet most of the day and carrying my heavy bag is taking its toll on me.  I have an ultrasound this coming Thursday to check the baby's size and see what position he is in!  I hope everything looks perfect, I have faith that it will!

I remember last fall when I was trying to get pregnant I had 5 friends either pregnant or trying to conceive.  Every night I would pray for their healthy pregnancies, deliveries, or to be blessed with a baby.  The sixth prayer was for conceiving our baby.  I am happy to say that as of yesterday ALL of those women have gone on to conceive and deliver healthy babies.  Sure, there has been fights with infertility, complicated pregnancies, and sleepless nights with newborns, but the prayers worked and what a blessing for all these women!  Now its just time for me to deliver my bundle soon and its come full circle!  Wow God....you done good!

I check in with Dylan to see if we have any concept of this whole "baby" thing but I don't think he does.  He will hug my belly and say baby but I don't think he comprehends what a gift we have coming for him.  Haha, that's probably because he will NOT see it that way for a little while.  He likes his mommy time so I hope he'll be somewhat open to sharing it.  I am enjoying every moment I have left with him as an only child.  He continues to become smarter, sweeter, and funnier everyday.  I hope I have the instantaneous bond with my new son as I had with Dylan.  He is the light of my life and silly as it may sounds...I think I'm his :)

IT'S AUGUST!!

I'm very happy that it is August because I go on maternity leave at the end of the month and I can now say....I'm having a baby NEXT month.  WOAH!  Can we all just take a second and ask where the heck 2011 has gone?  I've been pregnant this whole year so far, pretty funny to think of it that way.  I am obviously very excited to meet our new baby and be done with pregnancy.  These days I'm not feeling so well.  I have very bad acid reflux so I have to take medicine before bed so I don't wake up puking in the middle of the night and choking.  I know, gross.  Morning nausea has been bad but for the most part it passes.  My left hip well, that is a lost cause.  Exhaustion?  CHECK!  But you know what?  It's ok, because baby is healthy and moving, and we are so close.  I am so so grateful that despite my troubles getting pregnant and feeling crappy once pregnant....I have healthy pregnancies for my babies.  What more could you ask for?  I am also taking a moment each day to take a deep breath and feel the excitement and anticipation of my life at this time.  When I said to Jake last night that expecting a child is about the most exciting thing you can do in your life, he couldn't help but agree.  I am strangely relieved that I feel slightly unprepared and butterflies because this is my second baby.  I kinda thought maybe the fact that I had done it before would change that feeling, but it hasn't and I love that nervous excitement!  I also hope some of that knowledge from having done this once before will help though ;)

I am trying to work through any feelings I have about this most likely being my last baby.  I know we won't do fertility again, but more than that, I don't know if we know for sure if we feel "done" after our second or not.  I really am hoping that I know after this baby is here that our family feels complete in our hearts or not.  I feel like I know I can be happy with 2 without question.  I would be ok not having that miracle 3rd conceiving on our own.  We are so blessed to be having this second child.  I know only God knows if another is in our future, but deep down I think I know if we will have another or not and I think Jake knows the answer to that too.

One thing that amuses me about pregnancy is the outsider commentary....in the last week I have gotten..."you don't look like you have put on much weight, but you could still blow up".  Hmmm thanks, I'm gonna assume that won't happen.  "You don't even look pregnant from the back".  Hey thanks be sure to update me if that status changes!  "Your baby looks anxious".  Oh I know readers this is a good one.  "Anxious?" I asked....cause what does that mean right??  He said the baby looked low and ready to come out and play.  Uh eww and such a strange way of putting it.  For the record baby boy hasn't dropped which is good we still have a few weeks.

In all the Frese family is doing well...Jake works his butt off and D gives him a hard time but he loves his daddy.  D is doing great despite typical toddler moments from time to time.  Nothing I can't handle.....yet!  And me....I'm sitting back at this moment feeling my littlest love move amidst the butterflies in my tummy.  August is gonna fly.