Does it all look the way you thought it would?

I ALWAYS knew I wanted children.  I'll be the first to say I don't always gush over random strangers children, and I didn't love to babysit as a teenager.  As an adult I do adore my friends children and of course my own child.  I always knew I wanted a family and to be a mom.  I was raised as an only child with a single parent-my mom.  She worked hard to provide me with a generous lifestyle and I grew up knowing I would go to college, get a job, and be a career woman.  This is what I did.  I graduated on a Friday, went to my first "real" job the next Monday.  I've worked hard the last six years since I have graduated college to get better jobs, get promotions, and make a good living.  I have always wanted to work and contribute.  I never imagined I'd feel any other way.  When I became pregnant in 2009 I knew I'd return to my job and be a working mom.  I wanted to work and we never planned otherwise.  I didn't think it would be easy or that I would not be emotional leaving my son....I just assumed being a working mom was what best suited me, and my family.  So back to work I went when Dylan was about three months old.

The night before my first day as a working mom, I sobbed in bed and told Jake I had no idea how I would leave Dylan the next morning and how I was so sure I'd made a mistake.  I spoke to so many women who had been where I was and everyone said the same thing.  "Yes, it is very hard, but it gets better".  I assumed this to be true and of course got up and went to work the next day.  I was very lucky at the time to be returning to a job with some scheduling flexibility and supportive coworkers and an amazingly supportive boss.  It did make actually working still enjoyable.  However, as Dylan got older and more interactive, it got harder for me to leave.  I felt like I was missing a lot and was sad a lot.  Time went by and we stuck to the plan of a two person income with what was seemingly a willing working mom.  That was the PLAN, I never asked to be a stay at home mom, I never planned to want to be.  Why wasn't it getting easier though?  Why was I having such a hard time emotionally when other WONDERFUL working mom friends of mine seemed to find that "balance" I so expected myself to have.  Why wasn't I the person I thought I'd be?

Sometimes I hurt so badly I'd cry and tell Jake I was miserable and even though it wasn't an option, he would tell me just to quit, that it wasn't worth me feeling this way.  He was constantly having to reassure me I was a good mom, that Dylan was bonded to me.  He would always tell me how I could not see how much I gave to Dylan and how he knew I was his one and only mom.  But you see, this was the problem.  I emotionally could not get over this emotional hump.  Jake and I would both agree, we didn't think I'd ever be that mom who wanted to be a stay at home mom.  But I did.

I think we spend a lot of time, perhaps in our younger years trying to define who we are and who we will be.  We try to meet the expectations of others and of ourselves and figure that is who we have to be.  I thought I had to be a driven career woman and a working mom.  I found pride in both those things.  My mom worked hard and raised me to be independent.  She was a working mom and I turned out fine.  Would she be disappointed in me if I didn't work?  Would Jake think I wasn't the same feisty, smart woman he married if I didn't work?  Turns out the moms who work don't love their children any less and the ones who stay home aren't any less driven or interesting.  They might be the same woman!  My mom was a single parent-she never had a choice to work or not and so having that emotional battle with herself was not something she was at liberty to do.  When I first started questioning working as a mom it wasn't a liberty I had either-Jake and I had never financially planned to be without my income.  I guess my point of this whole post is this-sometimes in life you have a grand plan, and if you are lucky it works out.  But don't expect it to look or feel the way you thought it would.  It might....but you could end up in a totally different place than you thought you would and the plan has to be revised.  Again, if you are lucky, you can revise it.

I am fortunate to be married to a man who sees me as....Kim!  Not defined by WHAT I DO, but WHO I AM.  I am also lucky the man I married was willing to change the plan.  Right now I am officially on maternity leave for the second time.  I do not know exactly what the future looks like with two children.  What I know(and have) now that I didn't two years ago....is choices.  Whether working out of the home is full time, part time, or not at all, I have realized that it DOESN'T look the way I thought it would and that it is ok.  I am blessed to have a husband who was willing to rewrite the rules with me if that is what I need.  No matter what decisions we make in life, the big ones always have a sacrifice somewhere.  You just have to make the one you are most comfortable with-and then it won't feel like a sacrifice.  Might not look the way you thought it would, but it will start to look the way it should!

- Kim (38 weeks pregnant...maybe my next post will be a birth story?)