How did I get here?

I was not sure if I wanted to write about this topic, but it is one that I have many a thought on and is very important in my life and who I am today, so I thought this is my blog to write about what matters to me so I'll go forth with it.  That topic?  Infertility.  The title of this post refers to how I got to motherhood...and for me it was not simple or idealistic, but so far the outcome has been so it has all been worth it.  In 2008, Jake and I decided we wanted to start a family.  Goodbye birth control pills, hello Hawaii vacation we always promised each other we would take BEFORE having kids, and then it would be baby time.  Of course this is life and it rarely goes to plan.  Oh we went to Hawaii and it was amazing and fun and while I know there will be other trips to the islands, I'm glad Jake and I had our last true baby free vacation.  That was in September.  We...or more clearly, "I", told the "world" we wanted a baby and thus when we got back from Hawaii the questions of "are you pregnant" began rolling in.  We waited somewhat patiently for my body to decide to get on track..or do something...anything, but it didn't.  Like any good woman I trusted my instincts and went to my doctor who told me I wasn't cycling and there was no indication that I would....since folks I was 25 years old and still waiting for things to get started.  So I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility and put on meds to get things moving.  Fine, let's do this I thought, I want a baby, I'll take some meds.  So I did....5 days on this med...wait.  5 days later...next med.  Wait.  Go to doctor for ultrasound to see if my ovaries cooperate.  Fail.  Wipe tears and promptly try again.  I had this idea in my head I would be expecting at Christmas, so when I was told the week of Christmas 2008 that there was no chance a baby would be made I was pretty bummed.  I realized at this time that once you make the decision to have a baby it can turn into an obsession and I know many women who have felt the same way.  By January of 2009 we were onto another medicated cycle....which let me add turned me into a hormonal, emotional, hot flash mess.  Not ideal for making a baby but that didn't matter this was happening!  And....it did.  On February 11 I followed those pesky instincts of mine and for the first time the test said PREGNANT.  I hit my knees and thanked the good Lord and promptly forgot that it had been challenging at all for me to get pregnant.  In retrospect I felt that although I had to do fertility treatments my challenges were meager compared to many other wishful moms to be and I was grateful for the  journey that would bring us our first child never doubting how much we wanted him.  I never wished for a boy or girl, just a baby, and Jake felt the same way.  I come from a family of women....my mom, aunt, cousin, 2 female dogs haha, and I myself am quite the girly girl.  I think Jake thought it was his destiny to have little girls, but when the tech told us BOY I saw it on my husbands face true joy and shock, and I realized what a gift I carried for him.  Our son Dylan has never ceased to be a blessing and a miracle and we always knew we wanted more children, or at least 1 more.  So...the journey continues doesn't it?  The doctors told me I would either have similar issues with my cycles and conceiving OR my body would reset and I'd have no issues getting pregnant a second time.  I figured I might need some mild intervention like I did the first go round and I knew I could handle that....but that's not what happened.  We knew we wanted our children close together, within 2 years, so we waited for my body to cycle so we could try again.  Except, shocker, it never did.  I went to the doctor and they ran tests to see if all my hormone levels were normal and I should be cycling.  Everything was normal, I was healthy, and back at square one again.  "It's ok" I thought I'll just do the meds like last time and boom we will be on our way again.  Four months of trying the old fashioned way, 3 medicated cycles later, my faithful and trusted OB doc told me it was time for me to go to a reproductive endocrinologist, aka, the infertility clinic.  I was heartbroken and scared we'd never have another child, but happy that God had welcomed me into motherhood once.  Jake and I underwent testing, and to no surprise he was not the problem.  I had ultrasounds and painful tests done to find out why I would not ovulate.  A clear diagnosis was never made, so I was given "secondary infertility".  Meaning, even though you have had a kiddo, you are still infertile.  Bummer.  But my new doc was positive and aggressive and we had a new plan.  New meds, new procedure.  We'd give it three months and then move onto the ultimate plan...IVF.  Jake and I agreed we would try it once since insurance covered it and that would be it.  So in December 2010 I took new meds, I had painful shots, and went in for an IUI (google it if you need to).  This was December 23, 2010.  I was glad this holiday season I wouldn't know until it was over if I was pregnant, I went to church on Christmas Eve and I prayed for the other moms to be in my life.  I had 4 pregnant friends at the time, one who had suffered a miscarriage and nearly a year of trying to finally be blessed, I told God I know its HER time, keep that baby safe.  I prayed for my other friend suffering from infertility, it was HER time, to be a mom and like me she was waiting over this holiday season.  I knew how lucky I was to have my Dylan and I could wait a little longer for #2.  In January 2011, my friends wait was over and she was expecting and I was ecstatic for her.  I now had 5 pregnant friends.  God is good.  He blessed me too, once again, in January 2011 I found out I'd have another baby.  I never had to do IVF.  It almost seemed more unreal the second time.  I never realized how much you could want a second baby as much as the first.  It was never that Dylan was not enough, he was always going to be enough, but we wanted siblings, I wasn't done having children and God knew that too.  Like I said at the beginning of this, getting HERE has not been ideal, its been scary, and hormonal, and medical, and at times sad, but its been worth it.  It feels good to get this out, to tell my story.  SO many women struggle with conception and nobody wants to talk about it.  I was always a healthy slim girl who rarely drank, never smoked or did drugs, and I struggled and I don't know why.  It happens to millions of couples everyday who want children, they struggle, and many much more than I.  This pregnancy people would ask, "do you want a girl this time", to which I always replied, "nope, just a healthy baby".  After we found out Dylan would have a little brother, people would ask "oh are you sad its not a girl"...."nope, just happy to be expecting another healthy baby".  People don't get it, they don't know my story, and thats ok. People ask if we will have a 3rd child and the short answer is....probably not.  We are leaving the option open for a few years but have decided we will not pursue infertility treatment again.  Its draining and consumes your life.  I will have 2 children soon....brothers!  What a blessing!  We say that if a miracle happens and we conceive on our own, great, but if not, we made it HERE!  Parenthood.  I never wanted boys or girls...I wanted children.  I wanted to be mommy, and I am.