Mommy Guilt

I will be really happy when this week is over, but I am glad its downhill from here.  Monday I dropped Dylan at daycare at 7am drove all day in Colorado making sales calls and ended the night in Grand Junction 11 hours later and 300 miles from home.  The next day I drove back.  Today I had an all day work meeting.  Some times the scales are tipped in favor of work and it upsets the work/life balance.  On the outside I handle this fine... smiles in the morning, smiles at pickup for Dylan!  I genuinely enjoy that time with him, but some weeks it is just not enough, not even close.  I wish I could say "oh well some weeks are busier than others" but as Jake can attest....I emotionally crumble because it breaks my heart to not get more time with D.  I get over the emotions after a good cry and move on, but it happens.  I know I leave Dylan everyday in good hands, but I feel bad for him....he doesn't understand why I was gone overnight or why he can't actually see me when we do video chat.  The early morning dropoffs are hard on my little guy who is sleepy and just wants to stay with me.  I know he is fine after I leave, but I also know he hates to see me go.  Guilt.  It is nearly impossible to avoid for any mother and working mom's have a whole subset of it.  I don't know if this post has much of a point and I certainly don't need to explain what mommy guilt is.  Only that I have it, and I am doing the best I can to deal with it.  Right now that means giving Dylan my all when were together...meaning I may be 7 months pregnant but we will race around the kitchen, and I will throw the bouncy balls up and down the hall, and we will do the hot dog dance more than once (Hello Mickey Mouse Clubhouse).  I will talk to him tirelessly about our day if that's what he needs to calm down, because I love that the sound of my voice can soothe him, I will sing to him every night, and I will remind myself that RIGHT NOW I am doing my best and even if I judge myself, I know that little boy doesn't.

I dedicate this blog post to my working mom friends....who have the right to work, the right to enjoy it, the right to feel guilt, the right to NOT enjoy it, and the right to say....I'm doing my best and I love my child.  Whether you stay at home or work outside of the home, being a mom is the toughest job in the world and I support all my mom friends, but this post goes out to those facing the work/life balance!  Kudos ladies!

Body Beautiful?

Ahh pregnancy, such a beautiful phase in a women's life with her growing shape, new curves, that pregnancy glow....doesn't every pregnant woman just love it?  NO!!  Is it beautiful to be growing another human being, your own son or daughter?  Absolutely. But find me 10 pregnant ladies and 9 of them will tell you they could do without the new shape and curves.  We're bigger, we're uncomfortable, we want to be skinny again.  I know this sounds vain and silly but its just the truth.  I do not ever wish to miss this experience because I'd rather not gain weight etc., but i think it's OK to say it is not my favorite part.  I have not gained much weight so far, but I feel huge and my belly is somewhat impressive.  With my first pregnancy I hardly showed until the end, now I have people asking me if  its "time".  No folks, God willing this baby will stay put until September!  I had a checkup yesterday and when doc measured me I had to know....he said I was measuring right on at 27/28 weeks.  That was good to hear.  It's funny because in one day I can hear "you're so tiny" and one hour later" its "woah you really popped".  Why the need for narrative when I'm pregnant?  I'm either "all belly" or "pregnant all over" and to be honest sometimes I let it get to me either way.  I just am not comfortable with people always analyzing my body...or bump!  That of course is due to my own insecurities and I know that.  Most days I take it in stride and just realize...yep this is what happens you get pregnant, grow a human, you get bigger.  Ideally you go back to your smaller version after.  I was lucky with #1, I lost the weight crazy fast due to luck and nursing and decided to get in killer shape with a trainer once I could.  I will follow the same protocol this time around if I can.  Until then I will try to embrace my body....I do love my belly and the little guy moving inside it.  Sometimes it's just hard to ignore that voice in your head that says...."I believe the baby may also be in your lovely puffy face".

To all my pregnant friends and new moms, you are stunning, you are neither too big, or too small, you are just perfect :)  Hey, sometimes we just need to be told!  Thank you to my husband and kind friends who always have something nice to say!  It never goes unnoticed!

-Kim :)

My baby boy.....

.....is sick!  :(  Hopefully he is on the mend.  Had a high temp yesterday and it was still holding on today so we took him to the doc to make sure nothing major was going on.  Looks like its just a stupid virus going around.  I think all parents tend to worry when their child is sick.  However, last time Dylan had a high temp he basically could not breathe and ended up in the hospital for 3 days....so we REALLY worry.  If you have ever spent time with Dylan you know he is a super happy kid on the move, so its obvious and heartbreaking to me when he is sick.  He just sits or lays next to me with sad eyes.  He amazes me though because I truly don't have a fussy kid, he takes life in stride always happy and inquisitive and when he is sick, he just becomes this sweet little boy who can still manage a smile.  He teaches me so much about positive attitude and resilience....all 20 months of him.  I thank God everyday for that little boy!

Besides being sick, Dylan is doing great in life and thriving.  He's so darn smart, I know I sound like THAT mom who gushes about her kid, but hey if I don't who will?  He is saying new words and understands it seems like everything we say.  I'm thankful everyday he is an overall healthy, happy, thriving boy.  I get a little teary eyed writing this post because I cannot quite put into words the bond we have and how happy he makes me.  He says mommy about a hundred times a day and I joke to Jake that he never demands as much from his dada, but truly I love it.  As mothers we always wonder if we are enough, and in rare moments I realize that even though I never think I do enough or can be enough, Dylan thinks I'm more than enough.  I'm cherishing my time with him and squeezing in extra where I can....because soon my baby won't be the baby anymore.  We are officially under the 3 month mark until baby brother gets here, and I am SO excited to meet our new son and have two children.

Some days the time cannot go fast enough, but days like today...when my baby that is here is sick and reaching for me and snuggles in, I know that these few months belong to us...me and my first born.  I love you  Dylan, truly more everyday!

How did I get here?

I was not sure if I wanted to write about this topic, but it is one that I have many a thought on and is very important in my life and who I am today, so I thought this is my blog to write about what matters to me so I'll go forth with it.  That topic?  Infertility.  The title of this post refers to how I got to motherhood...and for me it was not simple or idealistic, but so far the outcome has been so it has all been worth it.  In 2008, Jake and I decided we wanted to start a family.  Goodbye birth control pills, hello Hawaii vacation we always promised each other we would take BEFORE having kids, and then it would be baby time.  Of course this is life and it rarely goes to plan.  Oh we went to Hawaii and it was amazing and fun and while I know there will be other trips to the islands, I'm glad Jake and I had our last true baby free vacation.  That was in September.  We...or more clearly, "I", told the "world" we wanted a baby and thus when we got back from Hawaii the questions of "are you pregnant" began rolling in.  We waited somewhat patiently for my body to decide to get on track..or do something...anything, but it didn't.  Like any good woman I trusted my instincts and went to my doctor who told me I wasn't cycling and there was no indication that I would....since folks I was 25 years old and still waiting for things to get started.  So I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility and put on meds to get things moving.  Fine, let's do this I thought, I want a baby, I'll take some meds.  So I did....5 days on this med...wait.  5 days later...next med.  Wait.  Go to doctor for ultrasound to see if my ovaries cooperate.  Fail.  Wipe tears and promptly try again.  I had this idea in my head I would be expecting at Christmas, so when I was told the week of Christmas 2008 that there was no chance a baby would be made I was pretty bummed.  I realized at this time that once you make the decision to have a baby it can turn into an obsession and I know many women who have felt the same way.  By January of 2009 we were onto another medicated cycle....which let me add turned me into a hormonal, emotional, hot flash mess.  Not ideal for making a baby but that didn't matter this was happening!  And....it did.  On February 11 I followed those pesky instincts of mine and for the first time the test said PREGNANT.  I hit my knees and thanked the good Lord and promptly forgot that it had been challenging at all for me to get pregnant.  In retrospect I felt that although I had to do fertility treatments my challenges were meager compared to many other wishful moms to be and I was grateful for the  journey that would bring us our first child never doubting how much we wanted him.  I never wished for a boy or girl, just a baby, and Jake felt the same way.  I come from a family of women....my mom, aunt, cousin, 2 female dogs haha, and I myself am quite the girly girl.  I think Jake thought it was his destiny to have little girls, but when the tech told us BOY I saw it on my husbands face true joy and shock, and I realized what a gift I carried for him.  Our son Dylan has never ceased to be a blessing and a miracle and we always knew we wanted more children, or at least 1 more.  So...the journey continues doesn't it?  The doctors told me I would either have similar issues with my cycles and conceiving OR my body would reset and I'd have no issues getting pregnant a second time.  I figured I might need some mild intervention like I did the first go round and I knew I could handle that....but that's not what happened.  We knew we wanted our children close together, within 2 years, so we waited for my body to cycle so we could try again.  Except, shocker, it never did.  I went to the doctor and they ran tests to see if all my hormone levels were normal and I should be cycling.  Everything was normal, I was healthy, and back at square one again.  "It's ok" I thought I'll just do the meds like last time and boom we will be on our way again.  Four months of trying the old fashioned way, 3 medicated cycles later, my faithful and trusted OB doc told me it was time for me to go to a reproductive endocrinologist, aka, the infertility clinic.  I was heartbroken and scared we'd never have another child, but happy that God had welcomed me into motherhood once.  Jake and I underwent testing, and to no surprise he was not the problem.  I had ultrasounds and painful tests done to find out why I would not ovulate.  A clear diagnosis was never made, so I was given "secondary infertility".  Meaning, even though you have had a kiddo, you are still infertile.  Bummer.  But my new doc was positive and aggressive and we had a new plan.  New meds, new procedure.  We'd give it three months and then move onto the ultimate plan...IVF.  Jake and I agreed we would try it once since insurance covered it and that would be it.  So in December 2010 I took new meds, I had painful shots, and went in for an IUI (google it if you need to).  This was December 23, 2010.  I was glad this holiday season I wouldn't know until it was over if I was pregnant, I went to church on Christmas Eve and I prayed for the other moms to be in my life.  I had 4 pregnant friends at the time, one who had suffered a miscarriage and nearly a year of trying to finally be blessed, I told God I know its HER time, keep that baby safe.  I prayed for my other friend suffering from infertility, it was HER time, to be a mom and like me she was waiting over this holiday season.  I knew how lucky I was to have my Dylan and I could wait a little longer for #2.  In January 2011, my friends wait was over and she was expecting and I was ecstatic for her.  I now had 5 pregnant friends.  God is good.  He blessed me too, once again, in January 2011 I found out I'd have another baby.  I never had to do IVF.  It almost seemed more unreal the second time.  I never realized how much you could want a second baby as much as the first.  It was never that Dylan was not enough, he was always going to be enough, but we wanted siblings, I wasn't done having children and God knew that too.  Like I said at the beginning of this, getting HERE has not been ideal, its been scary, and hormonal, and medical, and at times sad, but its been worth it.  It feels good to get this out, to tell my story.  SO many women struggle with conception and nobody wants to talk about it.  I was always a healthy slim girl who rarely drank, never smoked or did drugs, and I struggled and I don't know why.  It happens to millions of couples everyday who want children, they struggle, and many much more than I.  This pregnancy people would ask, "do you want a girl this time", to which I always replied, "nope, just a healthy baby".  After we found out Dylan would have a little brother, people would ask "oh are you sad its not a girl"...."nope, just happy to be expecting another healthy baby".  People don't get it, they don't know my story, and thats ok. People ask if we will have a 3rd child and the short answer is....probably not.  We are leaving the option open for a few years but have decided we will not pursue infertility treatment again.  Its draining and consumes your life.  I will have 2 children soon....brothers!  What a blessing!  We say that if a miracle happens and we conceive on our own, great, but if not, we made it HERE!  Parenthood.  I never wanted boys or girls...I wanted children.  I wanted to be mommy, and I am.

Weighty matters!

When you are 19 months old, extremely active, a picky eater, oh and bronchilitis survivor.....its tough to gain weight.  To make a long story short, our little guy has always been on the lean side, which is ok, he's got lean genes ;).  However, it has been something we have had to monitor for the better part of his short life and we were on the right track until he got sick and could not breathe on his own, let alone eat for a couple weeks.  So mom and Dylan make special trips to the doc to check his weight.  I am so happy that Dylan is fully recovered from bronchilitis and has gained over a pound since April.  He is a whopping 20.12 pounds which means he is on the growth scale...barely! It is also the first time he has been 20 pounds.  He also got a shot and did great.  I stress DAILY about my son's eating habits and growth and all any mom wants is a healthy kiddo.  You are a trooper Dylan and momma is proud!  I hope someone is equally proud of me during my short period of weight gain!  Ha! -Kim

Blogging....

I'm not sure where to start!  I like to read other people's blogs, mostly those of young mom's like myself whom I can relate to.  I also generally have a lot on my mind and a lot to say, so maybe this will be a way I enjoy getting those thoughts out.  Then again, maybe not.  We shall see!  I think this will mainly be a blog about my life as a wife and mom as I slowly (no rapidly) approach being a mom of 2....to two boys no less!  I'm not ashamed to admit my nickname to my husband is Boo, and thus this blog is Boo's boys.  So far I wouldn't have it any other way, Jake and Dylan are the light of my life and I'm one loved momma.  I can't wait to see where life goes from here, hopefully I'll stick to blogging so I'll have a place to write down all my adventures!  Stay tuned!  -Kim