Bittersweet. This word has come up from me, and from friends a lot the last week or so. I'm truly at the end of my final pregnancy, regardless if it ends in one hour, one day or one week (hopefully not more than that ;). It is my last pregnancy and yes I am sure. Despite never enjoying the physical aspect of pregnancy, the excitement and anticipation of what it all comes to is not lost on me. For nearly ten months you grow a miracle and share in that time with loved ones and at the end every phone call and text is "is it time?''. I'll admit with my first and second baby it got irritating to be asked because I was frustrated and so uncomfortable and I didn't realize how in one moment pregnancy is over and that special time has passed onto a new one. This time I'm so appreciative of the anticipation and all the shared excitement. I know that this particular time in my life is almost over, growing babies, being the pregnant girl. Bittersweet. I threw up every month of my pregnancy, I can't get comfortable at night, heartburn, hip pain. Yeah all that stuff. I'm tired and at times impatient. I'm content. I was truly miserable and anxious at the end of my second pregnancy, and before I toot my own horn, I don't know that won't happen this time, but I feel good. I feel awful but good!! I feel happy to be 39 weeks pregnant because that means I never had a preterm baby. I know I won't ever miss physically being pregnant. I know I'll feel nostalgia for the days of positive pregnancy tests and pregnancy announcements-for this moment right now with the perfectly decorated nursery that hasn't come alive yet because it is waiting for baby. I'm excited for the rush of hearing "it's time to push" and my favorite moment-when they turn on the heat bed anticipating baby's imminent arrival. There will be a million amazing moments in my life when it comes to my children. They start with that lamp being turned on. I get to do it one more time and I'm so glad that I'm not so "over" pregnancy that I can appreciate how truly blessed I've been to do this three times. I know in my heart that this feels like the perfect number for us and I'm ok moving on. I know that even though I've been so sick this pregnancy, I still feel like it was the perfect pregnancy. I'm so blessed. I pray for an easy labor and delivery with a healthy baby at the end. I know the minute she is out I will revel in the miracle once more. I also know I will be aware that the moment will soon pass and I won't return to that part of my life again. Bittersweet. We the Frese family will officially move forward in our stages following Audrey's birth, and I know we are ready to do so. That is also so exciting to think about-having our whole family here together. All five of us. So maybe I'll go to bed tonight and I'll wake up pregnant one more day, maybe not, only He knows. It is so exciting. It also helps me to be in the moment everyday with my boys. Never taking a cuddle or laugh or kiss for granted, knowing that the next day I may be away at the hospital and how their lives will change. For good yes, but an adjustment also. My sweet boys, all I've ever known as a momma. Again, another blog of mine that rambles but I'm emotional in a good way and that's when I like to get it out. Saying goodbye to our family of four and our days of expecting babies is coming soon. Knowing Audrey Rose will be here soon and our family will be complete is not bittersweet. Just plain sweet!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Bittersweet
Friday, April 5, 2013
Not to be taken for granted
Friends. They come in all forms from different places. We all need them, when we have them and when we don't. I am someone who is fiercely grateful for the women in my life. I have a best friend for the past 16 years, and through travel and work we have remained close. Nobody will ever take her place. Thing is she lives in Arizona. As powerful as a friendship may be, we need community. Local. Friends whos faces we see, who's children play, whos day to day struggles we commiserate. It's healthy for humans. Problem is, it took me years to have that here in Colorado. Yes, years. I had a job that did not lend itself to making friends, I was here, there, and everywhere in sales. It was lonely.
When I was pregnant with my first son, I was excited and my mom wanted to throw me a baby shower. Mom always comes through for me. I told her I didn't have many friends here but she was determined her only daughter would have a shower. I had friends from afar who were excited and said they would be at the shower, but circumstances being what they are many couldn't come and I totally understood that. I was also sad, because of course I wanted to celebrate that time with my friends and have the experience. Stacey came of course. Pregnant herself. It meant everything to me. A few other wonderful women came and we had a lovely afternoon. But this is my blog and I'll be honest. I sobbed hormonally in my husbands lap that I had no friends and had me a pity party. It just wasn't where I had hoped to be by that point with our lives in Colorado. We had very few people to share in the joy of our upcoming baby.
Not much had changed when I was expecting our second son two years later as work was only busier and I had made no other attempts to build my circle. Yep I had started to take some accountability at this point. I yelled "NO" emphatically when mom said every baby should be celebrated and was bummed at no "sprinkle" for baby boy #2.
Well after that baby was born I quit my job and really had no socialization so I said, "sink or swim" Kim. Put yourself out there and make some freaking friends. Or at least just show up and talk to people. So I did. I joined two local groups with my 2 year old and newborn. Brighton MOMs group and MOPs. Maybe to some people these groups don't mean what they do to me, but I hope they do. I have met not just other moms, but fun, wonderful women who have saved my soul and brought real friendships into my life in the big picture and the day to day. I'm not just a mom with them, I'm Kim too, and that feels so great. I'm a better mom because I have friends to share motherhood with, and friends for my kids. I was scared to be the new girl, but today I had a moment at my MOPs group where I looked at all the familiar faces and couldn't believe that only a year and a half ago I was scared and uncomfortable. These women make me laugh, cry, and for the first time I have been able to experience sharing the joy of a pregnancy with so many. Its been such a unique gift to me. Maybe some women have had that from the first baby, but not me. I'm so grateful!!
So when we found out baby #3 was a girl, mom was like, "baby shower". I was still hesitant. Does anybody have them for a 3rd baby? I don't want to seem greedy, I don't need much. Many people asked if I was having one, and so I finally said ok to my mom. A ridiculously generous friend offered to throw me one too, so together Stephanie and my mom are doing just that. I've allowed myself to be excited about it, because I really really am. I truly don't care about the gifts, I'm just so happy to have these women in my life to share in the upcoming arrival of our last baby. That is the gift for me. Oh, and Stacey is traveling again for this shower. Sista always pulls through too! I'm so excited!!
I also have to mention that I have a couple amazing neighbors who are also a lifeline for me. Friends from so many different circles now fill my life and my heart. Thank you so much to all the people in my life. You probably don't know the impact you've had on my life, but I do!
That my friends....is another rambling, emotional, hormonal post for now! Blessings, Kim :)
When I was pregnant with my first son, I was excited and my mom wanted to throw me a baby shower. Mom always comes through for me. I told her I didn't have many friends here but she was determined her only daughter would have a shower. I had friends from afar who were excited and said they would be at the shower, but circumstances being what they are many couldn't come and I totally understood that. I was also sad, because of course I wanted to celebrate that time with my friends and have the experience. Stacey came of course. Pregnant herself. It meant everything to me. A few other wonderful women came and we had a lovely afternoon. But this is my blog and I'll be honest. I sobbed hormonally in my husbands lap that I had no friends and had me a pity party. It just wasn't where I had hoped to be by that point with our lives in Colorado. We had very few people to share in the joy of our upcoming baby.
Not much had changed when I was expecting our second son two years later as work was only busier and I had made no other attempts to build my circle. Yep I had started to take some accountability at this point. I yelled "NO" emphatically when mom said every baby should be celebrated and was bummed at no "sprinkle" for baby boy #2.
Well after that baby was born I quit my job and really had no socialization so I said, "sink or swim" Kim. Put yourself out there and make some freaking friends. Or at least just show up and talk to people. So I did. I joined two local groups with my 2 year old and newborn. Brighton MOMs group and MOPs. Maybe to some people these groups don't mean what they do to me, but I hope they do. I have met not just other moms, but fun, wonderful women who have saved my soul and brought real friendships into my life in the big picture and the day to day. I'm not just a mom with them, I'm Kim too, and that feels so great. I'm a better mom because I have friends to share motherhood with, and friends for my kids. I was scared to be the new girl, but today I had a moment at my MOPs group where I looked at all the familiar faces and couldn't believe that only a year and a half ago I was scared and uncomfortable. These women make me laugh, cry, and for the first time I have been able to experience sharing the joy of a pregnancy with so many. Its been such a unique gift to me. Maybe some women have had that from the first baby, but not me. I'm so grateful!!
So when we found out baby #3 was a girl, mom was like, "baby shower". I was still hesitant. Does anybody have them for a 3rd baby? I don't want to seem greedy, I don't need much. Many people asked if I was having one, and so I finally said ok to my mom. A ridiculously generous friend offered to throw me one too, so together Stephanie and my mom are doing just that. I've allowed myself to be excited about it, because I really really am. I truly don't care about the gifts, I'm just so happy to have these women in my life to share in the upcoming arrival of our last baby. That is the gift for me. Oh, and Stacey is traveling again for this shower. Sista always pulls through too! I'm so excited!!
I also have to mention that I have a couple amazing neighbors who are also a lifeline for me. Friends from so many different circles now fill my life and my heart. Thank you so much to all the people in my life. You probably don't know the impact you've had on my life, but I do!
That my friends....is another rambling, emotional, hormonal post for now! Blessings, Kim :)
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Ramblings
I call this post ramblings because I think anyone who updates their blog as infrequently as I do really doesn't have a cohesive structure or style to what they write. I just write when it dawns on me to do so. I probably write many a chapter in my head daily but little makes it on here anymore. I started this blog when I was pregnant with Leo and enjoy reading the old posts I have, mostly the birth stories of my boys. If nothing else ever gets written I will write Audrey's birth story! I am eagerly anticipating that day for many reasons. 1) I am miserable. I am lucky to be healthy in the big picture, and baby too, but I have felt pretty awful this pregnancy from morning sickness (still some days) to migraines, hip pain, and a broken foot and massive cold recently. Moan and groan yes, but I will be glad when its done. 2) I love giving birth. No not the pain and needles etc., but the experience and excitement. Such a fleeting time really but life changing instantaneously and oh so miraculous. I have said this before, but when I was pregnant with Leo, I didn't know if he would be my last, I knew it was very possible, but not certain. I didn't think about that going into his birth or how I would feel after about that. Maybe I knew deep down I would experience pregnancy, childbirth, and a newborn again. I know God knew because here I am. What I do know is that this is the last time, without doubt. The decision has been made verbally between Jake and I and we both feel strongly about it. It's great to be on the same page, and to have always been so in our family planning. It's hard to believe for a moment in 2008 I thought I may never be able to have kids, and here I sit with our third in my belly. God is good and faithful, and I trust He has the faith in me that I can handle this and be the mother all of my children will need me to be. Because I'm scared sometimes. I hope I made all the right decisions, that I can give enough to each child, emotionally, developmentally, academically, socially. That having siblings is the gift I hope it to be. See rambling, I'm doing it. I'll back track again. Last baby, yes definately! I think knowing your limits is important and this is where this chapter of my life will close and the rest of our lives raising our children will commence. I know I will not yearn for baby kicks though I may yearn for newborn snuggles, I can't ask for more. Sometimes I can hardly believe there is one more go for us. I think knowing it is the last, for us anyway, makes it easy to embrace the challenges that come with a newborn, because all the good parts are so fleeting and we know that this time. But we are ready, ready to have our family here and move forward. Ready to have a daughter and see what that is like. Ready to do the best I can to be patient and sane, and transition as best as possible. I'll be honest going from 1-2 kids was hard. It wasn't so much the new baby as it was the large changes in our lives otherwise. I quit my job, my idea of who I was and who I wanted to be took some time to catch up. I was lonely. We had less money. LOTS of adjustments. But it got easier, we found our groove, we found our friends, we are figuring it out. I've learned a lot since Leo was born about what I can handle well, and what I can just handle. Sure I'm capable of an extracurricular activity everyday, but turns out that wasn't good for anyone. No, this summer I'll sit in shade while two boys splash each other to heck with water tables and blowup pools in the backyard. We will picnic under big trees with soft pink blankets. We will watch Dylan play Tball. We will play in the park nightly with neighbors who will give my tired arms a rest and love on our new baby. I'm not saying anything will be easy, but it will be good. These ramblings sound pretty good to me....
Sunday, December 2, 2012
FAQ's on Baby #3
So I basically do not blog...ever! I enjoyed blogging while pregnant with Leo and looked forward to it, but then it became something I no longer felt drawn to do on a normal basis. While I've had more than enough material to put into words, I suppose I was content having much of it stay in my head. I did however want to toss up a blog regarding a few common questions I have gotten regarding baby #3! I have always been pretty open regarding our family planning! So here goes!
1) Was this baby planned? Absolutely!
2) You said you had to seek infertility treatments for Dylan and Leo...did this baby happen on its own? Nope! When Jake and I decided (after nearly daily discussions) to have one more baby, I weaned Leo around 10 months from breastfeeding. I was fortunate to have had a large freezer supply and he received breast milk until 14 months for those that are curious. I had to wean him because I knew if I had to take fertility meds they are not good for babies! I had some baseline blood work and ultrasounds before trying to conceive and basically they showed that my body (reproductively) was dormant. This is basically how my body is, I don't cycle or ovulate on my own so it was likely I'd need help. We said we would do only 3 months of fertility treatments because we did not want to emotionally give more to a baby we might have when we already had two children who needed us! I took Femara and had an IUI done and we were so blessed to get pregnant the first cycle in September!
3) Were you trying for a girl? Nope
4) But really....don't you want a girl? Really....yes and no. We would welcome the experience of having a daughter of course. However, I have two beautiful boys how are my momma's boys and the experience has been amazing (challenging yes) so far. Our decision to have another child was the decision to have a big family and that we just did not feel complete yet. With all the trouble I have had getting pregnant it seems fairly insignificant for us to focus on the sex of the baby. After I had Leo we were not sure we were having another baby so honestly I came to terms then I would probably never have a daughter and got over it in about a day. It just doesn't matter to me in the big picture. I do feel like there is a lot of outside wishes for a girl and as much as it is well intended, I get sad that people may not feel as excited for this baby if its another boy. I know that I will love another boy just as much as my others and I hope everyone else will see any baby for the blessing that they are just as I will!
5) Is this your last baby? Regardless of boy or girl this is it!!! Even when I felt sick with Leo I would say I don't know if I'm ready for this to be my last pregnancy. This time I feel pretty icky and I am certain...as is Jake, that this will be it. I know I will still be sad to see this time in my life be in the past but to have come so far in this journey of having children. I feel content that these are my last 5/6 months of pregnancy.
6) Are you finding out the sex before birth? Um yes I'm a major planner and need to know! I either need very little or a lot of clothes. We had an early ultrasound guess but I'm not going off anything until a later ultrasound!
I think that is it! I have gotten all those questions A LOT! Thank you all for sharing in our excitement! We can't wait to meet another one of our babies. Childbirth has for me been an incredible experience thus far and I'm so blessed to do it one more time! I'm afraid I won't make it to the hospital in time though! We have about six months to go but I know it will fly by. I'm 14 weeks now, and staying busy with the boys! Happy Holidays!
Blessings, Kim :)
1) Was this baby planned? Absolutely!
2) You said you had to seek infertility treatments for Dylan and Leo...did this baby happen on its own? Nope! When Jake and I decided (after nearly daily discussions) to have one more baby, I weaned Leo around 10 months from breastfeeding. I was fortunate to have had a large freezer supply and he received breast milk until 14 months for those that are curious. I had to wean him because I knew if I had to take fertility meds they are not good for babies! I had some baseline blood work and ultrasounds before trying to conceive and basically they showed that my body (reproductively) was dormant. This is basically how my body is, I don't cycle or ovulate on my own so it was likely I'd need help. We said we would do only 3 months of fertility treatments because we did not want to emotionally give more to a baby we might have when we already had two children who needed us! I took Femara and had an IUI done and we were so blessed to get pregnant the first cycle in September!
3) Were you trying for a girl? Nope
4) But really....don't you want a girl? Really....yes and no. We would welcome the experience of having a daughter of course. However, I have two beautiful boys how are my momma's boys and the experience has been amazing (challenging yes) so far. Our decision to have another child was the decision to have a big family and that we just did not feel complete yet. With all the trouble I have had getting pregnant it seems fairly insignificant for us to focus on the sex of the baby. After I had Leo we were not sure we were having another baby so honestly I came to terms then I would probably never have a daughter and got over it in about a day. It just doesn't matter to me in the big picture. I do feel like there is a lot of outside wishes for a girl and as much as it is well intended, I get sad that people may not feel as excited for this baby if its another boy. I know that I will love another boy just as much as my others and I hope everyone else will see any baby for the blessing that they are just as I will!
5) Is this your last baby? Regardless of boy or girl this is it!!! Even when I felt sick with Leo I would say I don't know if I'm ready for this to be my last pregnancy. This time I feel pretty icky and I am certain...as is Jake, that this will be it. I know I will still be sad to see this time in my life be in the past but to have come so far in this journey of having children. I feel content that these are my last 5/6 months of pregnancy.
6) Are you finding out the sex before birth? Um yes I'm a major planner and need to know! I either need very little or a lot of clothes. We had an early ultrasound guess but I'm not going off anything until a later ultrasound!
I think that is it! I have gotten all those questions A LOT! Thank you all for sharing in our excitement! We can't wait to meet another one of our babies. Childbirth has for me been an incredible experience thus far and I'm so blessed to do it one more time! I'm afraid I won't make it to the hospital in time though! We have about six months to go but I know it will fly by. I'm 14 weeks now, and staying busy with the boys! Happy Holidays!
Blessings, Kim :)
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Happy Birthday Leo
Wasn't I just writing about being pregnant? Somehow my baby is now 1! Wow! He is such a JOY in our lives. Leo is 29 inches tall (25%) and exactly 20 pounds (10%). A very healthy happy boy. He is a great eater and has more table food everyday with a few purees still mixed in. He only has 2 teeth but he makes the most of him. He drinks great out of a sippy cup but still loves his bottles. I stopped nursing around 10.5 months as it was no longer something Leo was interested in doing but thanks to a great freezer supply he is still getting breastmilk. I feel fortunate that I was able to keep him on breastmilk this long. Leo loves to play with all his toys and his big brother. He is such a go getter! He has become very snuggly these days and has the most kissable cheeks on the planet. He does a lot of cruising and walks on his hands and feet but hasn't quite taken the plunge by himself. He will take several steps just holding one of my hands. I think he is incredibly observant and very smart. He loves to play with people but plays independently too. He is a very good baby. He has some separation anxiety but he gets over it very quickly if I have to leave him which is very rare. He so enjoys playing that he can usually recover pretty quickly! I am forever grateful for the experience to be home with Leo this first year and experience all the firsts, tuck him in at naps, or hold him for naps those days when he needed more TLC. I cannot say that everyday was pure bliss, lets be honest, but I never take for granted that this time is precious and a gift for me and my children. I can truly say we are enjoying Leo at this age immensely and feel so blessed everyday to have two beautiful children! Happy Birthday Leo Oliver. My heart grows with love for you everyday!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Long time no write...
Yes, yes this blog still exists, though it has been on a hiatus since November. I did not stop blogging on purpose it just slowly seemed to creep out of the routine as I got busier during the day and more tired at night. I cannot promise to myself of my thousands (um maybe 10) of readers that I will consistently be blogging again but for tonight I shall post.
I wanted to reflect a moment on the fact that I have now lived in Colorado for FIVE years. I cannot believe it has been so long, gone so fast, and how much has happened. Jake and I always aspired to get out of Tucson, AZ and move somewhere that had a bigger city, more employment opportunities, cooler weather, and overall just a new place to start our lives together. We chose Colorado somewhat quickly being that it was as far East as I was willing to move and seemed to offer us much of what we were looking for. I hopped on a plane in May 2007 for a job interview, did not get it, and a week later made the trip again for another interview and nailed it! Thank you Andrie Leday for giving Jake and I one of the biggest breaks of our life by hiring a nervous 23 year-old in a smart white suit who had nothing to lose. The week of July 4th of 2007 Jake made the trip to Colorado solo to land a job (he did) and find us a house to rent (he did....and I hated it). Moral of the story though, is that on July 11, 2007 we loaded what was left of our young life into the Penske and said goodbye to Arizona.
I'd love to say I left and never looked back with regret but that just would not be true. First of all, I had to leave Stacey and I felt like my heart was being ripped out. We both cried until we sobbed with promises that we would make it work, we were different than other best friends, we really WOULD visit, it would be okay. Thankfully we have both stuck to that promise and not a year has gone by where we have not made a trip to see each other whether its me going to Arizona or her coming to Colorado. To some people, a best friend is just a friend, but to me Stacey is my sister, an aunt to my children, simply put-she's family!
Like many things in life reality often does not match expectation and that is how much of the last five years in Colorado has been for me. We had the big city but we did not often venture downtown, we had all four seasons, but I hated driving in the snow, we had this new life together but we had no friends. I was homesick...for like three years. Change is really hard and meeting new friends when you are no longer in school is hard. I had a great new job in sales but I did not work in an office so I never got to know very many people well. At times I was horribly lonely. I remember having my baby shower when I was pregnant with Dylan and being so sad all of my good friends in Arizona could not be there and being acutely aware I had not made many new ones in Colorado. I knew that there was so much life to embrace in Colorado but was struggling to figure out how. By the summer of 2010 I decided I was unhappy enough to want to move back to Arizona, and Jake said he would do whatever made me happy. I put in for a transfer with work and was told if an opening came up it was pretty much mine. We waited patiently...sort of. In the winter of 2010 I got notice that I could come to Arizona for an interview with the manager there. This was around the holidays and I would go in the New Year. Well the New Year came and I was notified that there would be some changes in the company and any and all hiring and transfers was on hold. I was very disappointed and felt the opportunity would never come....and it didn't. In February of 2011 my company did a large layoff and my job in Colorado was spared but many people in Arizona lost their jobs. I felt relieved that the transfer hadn't worked out because I knew I would have lost my job, but also sad because I knew a transfer was not in my future.
Jake and I spoke long and hard about the future, about why we wanted to leave Colorado when our life here had only flourished. We both had good jobs, we had bought our first home, had a child, and now another on the way. Maybe Colorado wasn't the problem, maybe we needed to make this work. God knew what he was doing even if I didn't. 2011 continued on as did my pregnancy, and in September Leo was born and I was on maternity leave. I went back to work for two weeks in December to finish out the year and in January 2012 I officially quit my job that I got paid for to be home full time with my kids. My whole world has opened up since that time. I knew that I was going to need to reach out and find support and make friends if I wanted to keep my sanity or ya know, have a conversation with someone other than a two year old all day. I got over much of my shyness and went to moms groups, made new friends, started socializing, started LIVING life in Colorado.
I don't mean it to sound like Jake and I never had friends the whole time we have been here, that is not the case. I just realize what a learning experience it is to move to a new place and to not know anybody and to build a new network of support and socialization. We would not have made it without Doug and Shellie, our kind neighbors and dear friends. Doug showed up the day we moved into our house a completely stranger and helped us move our stuff in. At the time they had a 10 year old daughter and a 12 year old son. Jake and I were childless. Five years later their son is driving and their daughter is going to start high school. Jake and I are now a family of four. They spent the whole day I was in labor with Dylan by my side laughing, crying, and praying with us. They were the first to visit us in the hospital after Leo was born. Dylan knows them better than anyone outside our immediate family. They have been there for us in so many ways and still are. I feel so happy I can write about our life in Colorado after five years and see how quickly it went from uncertain to amazing. I have made so many new friends this last year and truly feel Colorado is home. I miss Stacey in Arizona but she is never too far. I know now that I will never move back. Besides being a billion degrees, it is my past, not my future. I know that the people there that want to remain in my life will always be in my heart and only a call, text, or plane ride away (I love to visit AZ in Winter when I'm about done with the snow) I know that some people need to be let go of and be a part of the past. My life is here with my family and I can't wait to see what happens the next five years. I am glad that God knew better than I did what lie ahead when I felt so lost.
Thank you to all my Arizona friends whom I still have such special friendships with. Thank you to my Colorado friends who have made this place home. You all know who you are! Thank you to my husband for always saying "whatever will make you happy"! Love, Kim :)
I wanted to reflect a moment on the fact that I have now lived in Colorado for FIVE years. I cannot believe it has been so long, gone so fast, and how much has happened. Jake and I always aspired to get out of Tucson, AZ and move somewhere that had a bigger city, more employment opportunities, cooler weather, and overall just a new place to start our lives together. We chose Colorado somewhat quickly being that it was as far East as I was willing to move and seemed to offer us much of what we were looking for. I hopped on a plane in May 2007 for a job interview, did not get it, and a week later made the trip again for another interview and nailed it! Thank you Andrie Leday for giving Jake and I one of the biggest breaks of our life by hiring a nervous 23 year-old in a smart white suit who had nothing to lose. The week of July 4th of 2007 Jake made the trip to Colorado solo to land a job (he did) and find us a house to rent (he did....and I hated it). Moral of the story though, is that on July 11, 2007 we loaded what was left of our young life into the Penske and said goodbye to Arizona.
I'd love to say I left and never looked back with regret but that just would not be true. First of all, I had to leave Stacey and I felt like my heart was being ripped out. We both cried until we sobbed with promises that we would make it work, we were different than other best friends, we really WOULD visit, it would be okay. Thankfully we have both stuck to that promise and not a year has gone by where we have not made a trip to see each other whether its me going to Arizona or her coming to Colorado. To some people, a best friend is just a friend, but to me Stacey is my sister, an aunt to my children, simply put-she's family!
Like many things in life reality often does not match expectation and that is how much of the last five years in Colorado has been for me. We had the big city but we did not often venture downtown, we had all four seasons, but I hated driving in the snow, we had this new life together but we had no friends. I was homesick...for like three years. Change is really hard and meeting new friends when you are no longer in school is hard. I had a great new job in sales but I did not work in an office so I never got to know very many people well. At times I was horribly lonely. I remember having my baby shower when I was pregnant with Dylan and being so sad all of my good friends in Arizona could not be there and being acutely aware I had not made many new ones in Colorado. I knew that there was so much life to embrace in Colorado but was struggling to figure out how. By the summer of 2010 I decided I was unhappy enough to want to move back to Arizona, and Jake said he would do whatever made me happy. I put in for a transfer with work and was told if an opening came up it was pretty much mine. We waited patiently...sort of. In the winter of 2010 I got notice that I could come to Arizona for an interview with the manager there. This was around the holidays and I would go in the New Year. Well the New Year came and I was notified that there would be some changes in the company and any and all hiring and transfers was on hold. I was very disappointed and felt the opportunity would never come....and it didn't. In February of 2011 my company did a large layoff and my job in Colorado was spared but many people in Arizona lost their jobs. I felt relieved that the transfer hadn't worked out because I knew I would have lost my job, but also sad because I knew a transfer was not in my future.
Jake and I spoke long and hard about the future, about why we wanted to leave Colorado when our life here had only flourished. We both had good jobs, we had bought our first home, had a child, and now another on the way. Maybe Colorado wasn't the problem, maybe we needed to make this work. God knew what he was doing even if I didn't. 2011 continued on as did my pregnancy, and in September Leo was born and I was on maternity leave. I went back to work for two weeks in December to finish out the year and in January 2012 I officially quit my job that I got paid for to be home full time with my kids. My whole world has opened up since that time. I knew that I was going to need to reach out and find support and make friends if I wanted to keep my sanity or ya know, have a conversation with someone other than a two year old all day. I got over much of my shyness and went to moms groups, made new friends, started socializing, started LIVING life in Colorado.
I don't mean it to sound like Jake and I never had friends the whole time we have been here, that is not the case. I just realize what a learning experience it is to move to a new place and to not know anybody and to build a new network of support and socialization. We would not have made it without Doug and Shellie, our kind neighbors and dear friends. Doug showed up the day we moved into our house a completely stranger and helped us move our stuff in. At the time they had a 10 year old daughter and a 12 year old son. Jake and I were childless. Five years later their son is driving and their daughter is going to start high school. Jake and I are now a family of four. They spent the whole day I was in labor with Dylan by my side laughing, crying, and praying with us. They were the first to visit us in the hospital after Leo was born. Dylan knows them better than anyone outside our immediate family. They have been there for us in so many ways and still are. I feel so happy I can write about our life in Colorado after five years and see how quickly it went from uncertain to amazing. I have made so many new friends this last year and truly feel Colorado is home. I miss Stacey in Arizona but she is never too far. I know now that I will never move back. Besides being a billion degrees, it is my past, not my future. I know that the people there that want to remain in my life will always be in my heart and only a call, text, or plane ride away (I love to visit AZ in Winter when I'm about done with the snow) I know that some people need to be let go of and be a part of the past. My life is here with my family and I can't wait to see what happens the next five years. I am glad that God knew better than I did what lie ahead when I felt so lost.
Thank you to all my Arizona friends whom I still have such special friendships with. Thank you to my Colorado friends who have made this place home. You all know who you are! Thank you to my husband for always saying "whatever will make you happy"! Love, Kim :)
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Um Happy Thanksgiving?!?
No I mean it Happy Thanksgiving! I'm just in shock that it is already here and needless to say I'm behind on blogging. I'm usually just a sleepy momma come nighttime and zone out on the couch versus use my brain in anyway. But whats new with my family? Well we are doing pretty great! God has blessed me with a wonderful family and I am blessed to be the woman in all my boys lives! Each week gets a bit easier as Leo evolves from a newborn to a baby! Somehow he is already 10 weeks old and he is just amazing. Such a sweet soul and a wonderful baby. We had a couple rough weeks with nursing but after a visit to the lactation consultant everyday has gotten easier and I've learned Leo's cues etc. He loves his naps and I am fortunate at this point that he doesn't fight sleep! He eats has some play time and is ready for his nap. He takes about 3 a day with his longest being in the middle of the day....when Dylan naps too! How lucky am I? I know the coinciding naps may not last but I'll take it while I can. Dylan continues to happily take about a 2 hour nap a day! Leo gets up 1-2 times a night but is definitely sleeping longer stretches and after he eats he goes right back down. He is about 12 pounds much bigger than Dylan was at this age! He is completely in 3 mo clothing and I think he's so darn adorable. Thank you Lord for our baby boy!
Dylan is doing great also and weighing in at a whopping 22 pounds! Yeah little bro is going to pass him! Dylan just doesn't have a huge appetite and is a picky eater but you'd never know it by his energy! He doesn't throw many tantrums but has his moments as is to be expected. It is a lesson in patience for both of us! He has an incredible personality and makes us all laugh very often. I love that he is so smart and talking more each day! He's my little buddy that's for sure!
I've joined some mom groups and am meeting new people. Its very fulfilling and wonderful to meet other moms at this same stage in life as myself!
Dylan just woke up from his nap so I have to cut this short but all in all we are adjusting well as a family of four and feel very blessed this time of year and always! Here are a couple of pics!
Dylan is doing great also and weighing in at a whopping 22 pounds! Yeah little bro is going to pass him! Dylan just doesn't have a huge appetite and is a picky eater but you'd never know it by his energy! He doesn't throw many tantrums but has his moments as is to be expected. It is a lesson in patience for both of us! He has an incredible personality and makes us all laugh very often. I love that he is so smart and talking more each day! He's my little buddy that's for sure!
I've joined some mom groups and am meeting new people. Its very fulfilling and wonderful to meet other moms at this same stage in life as myself!
Dylan just woke up from his nap so I have to cut this short but all in all we are adjusting well as a family of four and feel very blessed this time of year and always! Here are a couple of pics!
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